**CONTENT WARNING: Discussing Mental Health/Suicide**
The truth is I don’t love my self and I tired of trying to, it takes so much effort and I try and try and all I do is disappoint myself.
Because I am a very disappointing person I don’t know how to hold down a job, I don’t care about money I don’t think I even care about life I don’t get what the point is.
When I fast its like my mind is on ecstasy too many thoughts, bad choices because I guess I don’t believe in my self the way I wish I could or maybe it is being alone and I know everything I ever believed is a lie and I just don’t know how to better myself and if I wasn’t totally alone maybe someone would say nice things to me and cheer me on and support me and I couldn’t even kill myself if I tried, more to be useless at.
From writing this I guess I am being made aware that my internal narrative is still quite bad, I mean I’ve literally been trying for years to fix myself and I just now realised, I am not fixable because I am not broken.
When I wrote the above a few days ago I had allowed stress and F E A R (Face Everything And Run) to take over my mind, that’s how susceptible our minds are and so I created an acronym for F E A R:
A reminder to do as it says: Face Everything And Run – Not run away but run towards that which scares you, run towards the fight for injustice not away, run against things that do not you and run towards your aspirations. Run like there’s wildfire behind and not because you are scared but because you’ve embraced your calling you’ve embraced your magical magnificence and you are ready to strive.
Check Your Internal Narrative. Pay attention to key signs around you, what are you continuing today even though you know it goes against what you’re pushing towards, even though it goes against your current values, even though you feel depleted after consuming or observing something that just doesn’t sit right with your soul.
Can You Love You? Can You Love You? Can You Love You?
What does it mean to nurture yourself?
I write this to highlight the importance of checking in on yourself. It’s so easy to get caught up in ensuring everyone else is well and talking however this comes at a cost.
When I reread the first three paragraphs I am able to acknowledge the harshness in my approach towards myself and the most crucial aspect of this is at least I’m recognising it.
The first steps towards change is awareness, you have to be aware of what you are doing that is harmful and then you can work on rewiring your internal narrative.
It is pivotal you create a safe space for yourself when rewriting your internal narrative, making conscious choices regarding who you have around you, what you are absorbing in terms of Social Media, Music, Film etc. What Self Care practices do you maintain?
Speaking your truth is of utmost importance, accepting your self and practicing being present through breath, will empower you. Remember no one can do the work for you but you have to be able to recognise the part you play in lowering your vibration.
Be an observer of your thoughts, of your internal narrative, of your surroundings, of your healthy and unhealthy habits, of how you give love and how open you are to receiving love.
Walk away from Self Doubt. Self Doubt has no place in your growth.
I am greatful for the opportunity to recognise this aspect of my internal narrative and I am greatful to be able to work through it. The biggest take for me from this is – it’s ok, I am going to be ok and this too shall pass.
Remember we must walk through our own darkness to get to the light so fear not, have the courage to do the work required for your Self Elevation and continue to watch your life evolve.
You are the creator of your life. How are you creating?
I know it can be scary, having this level of honesty with yourself but Self Awareness is key. You can’t be the master of your chess board if you are not willing to revisit your strategy and this can be applied to life.
Nothing is set in stone and so often we can allow our thoughts to carry us in a direction that is so specific it causes harm when things do not go exactly to plan, perfectionism, a need to have everything exact, is harmful and in reality is nothing is perfect and nothing needs to be. If you can surrender to the flow of life you realise you are exactly where you’re supposed to be with the lessons you need to learn in order to make your move.
Don’t give up. Keep faith. Always do the action that best serves you in any given moment. Understand no one knows what’s best for you, other than you and this acceptance of Self Reliance enables you to walk your path, true to yourself.
Relinquish blame. Practice acceptance. To be clear, acceptance isn’t saying what you have gone though is ok and any mistreatment is just, it’s just about saying this has happened, no it’s not ok but I’m a aware of it and so how am I going to handle it? How am I going to deal with what I feel/think instead of avoiding Self?
Check your internal narrative.
Be brave and walk forward in your magnificence.
Sending light and love, ALWAYS x
“To Love Thyself Would Be An Awfully Big Adventure.” LD Lore